From The Blog Series… 365 Blogs To Finding Pinocchio A Home  

I am letting you know from the very birth of this blog series that there is this voice inside of me that desperately wants to believe that I am wasting my time doing what I love most, music.  It’s telling me that no matter what effort and energy I put towards writing, singing and creating music, it will never be enough, so I can forget about ever doing it full time! I hear this voice so loudly in my head sometimes that I start to panic.  I want to introduce this voice to you now so that you can get a clear picture of my experiences along this journey, both internal and external.

So, the past day has been focused on me pausing and breathing, rather than jumping right into a full list of actions that will lead me toward getting my music out there on a larger scale.  I have been reconnecting with the idea that I do not control anything in my life no matter how much I want to believe I do.  My ego would make me believe I was a superhero if I let it, and the truth is, I have.  The problem is, while I can dress like Wonder Woman and act like Wonder Woman, I Am Not Wonder Woman.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot spin around and around and around and suddenly transform into this amazing superhero who can swirl her lasso in the air until that the perfect second arrives where she gets to be a hero and save the suffering people from the bad guys!  That would be pretty cool though, lassoing a few bad guys and throwing them on top of each other in a pile of tar, left for the cops to come and take them away!  But no, I Am Not Wonder Woman.

That idea lurking inside my head is the ego thinking I am in full control of directing every part of my life.  I have taken on the role of Wonder Woman for so long now that I’d gotten lost in the drama of it all, which then warped my sense of reality.  I have recently realized that to make great things happen and to touch, move and inspire others, I must simply be myself and let go of expecting anything in return.

I am trusting that whoever is choosing to read these blogs are people who are accepting and open minded.  And if you are not accepting and open minded at the beginning, I hope you give these blogs some time, and by the end, I hope you are able to attempt to be accepting and open minded.  I don’t want to be false with anything that I write and this is why I am giving you all of who I am, all of who I am hoping to become and all of who I was, so this all connects in some way down the line.

You know, I have such a different view now looking through these eyes of mine from when I did when I was 9 years old and growing up in Catholic school.  I was taught to fear God rather than develop a real relationship with this Higher Power, This Universe, this Larger Than Life entity, that surounded me day in and day out.  Over the years I have found myself lost in confusion and doubt about my purpose here on Earth.  I definitely lost my faith, although I would never have admitted that straight out.  But now, I am learning that to be abundant in love, in money and in happiness, I must be willing to let go of this false sense of control I’ve been holding onto for so damn long, and instead I must have a little faith.

So, I’m finally understanding, and slowly accepting, that I can either continue to control my music career all by myself and drive myself to insanity doing it all alone, safe in a cacoon like environment, where reaching success is as sure as my being Wonder Woman is true, or, I can simply let go and have faith and do what I am guided to do and just enjoy this process, and in that will come something new, if nothing else.  And to me, that sounds better than what I have been doing.

It’s funny, I really thought I was in control of my musical path and now I see I have not one ounce of control in it.  I would swear up and down to you that I could make this happen.  I believed deep down that eventually I would be famous and successful.  All I had to do was stay in control and map out my plan and follow through on my actions.  And do you know what would happen when I would take the last few steps towards each project I had mapped out and followed through on, because I thought it would get me to that dangling carrot?  Wonder Woman suddenly turned back into a simple lady, an illusion, a scared little girl who lost out on abundance each time because she took on the world all by herself and all she really had to do was be herself and let others come on in and help out. And why would they help?  Because they believed that was she created was worth supporting.

So I got a wake up call.  It was a gift!  What could happen if I just let go?  What doors and opportunities would appear if I wasn’t afraid of the chatter inside my head?  What if I started listening to that calm humming in my body to guide me, rather than me try to force something out of me that’s not me!  I believe that nothing great can truly occur in the absence of truth and love. With calm, patience and acceptance, I really see that now that I Am Not Wonder Woman.  I am Jennifer Vazquez.  I love to sing!  I love to write!  I love to create!  I love to make people feel good inside!  I hope that what I was put here on Earth to do is exactly what I love to do right now….music!  But… I’m open to finding it out humbly, in front of you, over the next 363 blogs that remain to find Pinocchio a home.

So, I guess what I really want to say here is that I admit I am powerless over controlling my journey.  Yes, Wonder Woman did her part and now she can gracefully return to her comic book and I can happily return to being me, simply a girl from The Bronx who has a lot of stories to tell and share with you!  And with that said, I am looking forward to tomorrow and what it will bring on my journey to finding Pinocchio a home!