From The Blog Series… 365 Blogs To Finding Pinocchio A Home  

What do I want to talk about right now? It’s been a few weeks since I wrote the last blog. As that time has passed, I have experienced quite a bit of new awareness surrounding the vision I have of making money fully through my art and the money it is going to take to fund this vision correctly, in the hopes that by being focused on this vision, day in and day out, it will guide me towards financial abundance. As this awareness has recently hit me, I have found a new willingness to begin the process of finding another “B” job to continue to fund my “A” job, my vision. This awareness of my need to search for another job became even more clear when I was faced with a family emergency that forced me to think about the areas in my life which still remain to be off balance.  It is my responsibility to be willing to do what I need to do to allow abundance into all the areas of my life.

Now, the one thought that comes to mind after sharing all that I just did with you is this idea of getting out of our own way so that things can happen in your life at their own pace, rather than the need to force control on what you want and when you want it. If you were to take time and just breathe, you would eventually become aware that you are here for a purpose. We all are! It’s just that we lose tract of our “Purpose” and float subconsciously into “Survival” or “Ego” mode from our past experiences. In these modes, you can’t really do much healthy and abundant living. There is no real room for it. I mean, you can’t thrive when you are trying to survive. And, you most certainly cannot be healthy when abundance does hit, and the ego takes you over. That just leads to self sabotage, as Charlie Sheen so clearly showed the whole world during his “WINNING” escapade.

But, if you are willing to clear a space in your life to find out what your purpose is, and then, bring that into existence a little at a time, with the guidance and support of those you trust and love, well then, then you have a true shot at a life filled with abundance in every way, shape or form. And then, once you have found ways to bring your purpose and vision to life, you can then make yourself available for others who need help along the way. The actual succcess you will attain in your life is small potatoes compaired to the contribution you can be to others along the way. And the key to staying calm, at peace and in balance throughout your life is to take it one day at a time and to always remind yourself that you are here to be you, nobody else! You are exactly who you need to be to follow through with the bigger plan.

So, just to drive this point home, let’s take it and apply it to my journey. I humbly admit now that I stood in the way of my own happiness and abundance with my career as an artist, musician and performer for many years by trying to do things all by myself and making it appear that I was just fine and I didn’t need a bit of help. The truth is, I wanted to be helped, I was just afraid of letting someone into my career that I had molded and sculpted for all these years and I, I, I… exactly! I couldn’t get passed this ego driven crazy person in my head that was so focused on THE PLAN! I focused on that plan of becoming a rockstar for so many years and that, that is what kept me in a place of lacking and judgement and true unhappiness. I couldn’t find my smile no matter how hard I tried, behind closed doors. It was like every performance was a quick fix to make me feel complete again; to fill that void that kept creeping up on me, over and over and over again. Once the gig was over and I was back in my own space, I felt empty again. I felt like I was of no use to anyone. There was no real joy in doing what I was doing after the years passed because as I was controlling this boat of mine, I couldn’t find any balance and real feeling of true contribution anymore.  I was doing it all for THE PLAN. I was moving forward only for the ego to get it’s fix, and the worst of it, the worst of it is I hadn’t a clue that this is what was making me so sad and unclear. This need to control and feed the ego. CRAZY! But not really…. Many people experience this day in and day out…. And so, towards the end of this very unavoidable downfall, I thought I was going crazy. I was so afraid that I lost my will to follow through with the one thing I truly loved to do, the one thing that brought me calm.  But it wasn’t doing that anymore.  I was lost!

There was no room for abundance while I was trying to control my vision. I experienced both of those modes I spoke of a moment ago, “Survival” and “Ego”.  I lost  track of my “Purpose”, floating subconsiously into a place of total lacking, yet at the same time feeling like I was owed something because of all the hard work I had done. What a joke! I mean really. It’s funny, truly funny to me. I was so scared of this not being my purpose that I did a great amount of white knuckling, holding that goal of mine so tight. “I will follow through with THE PLAN, no matter what!” I never stopped to get the full impact that maybe, just maybe, if I let go a little, clarity within my vision and purpose would come to me calmly, and maybe in a different way than I had planned, but one that would allow others to truly get something out of me other than my drive and ego. I was so clouded by THE PLAN that I wouldn’t let people guide me towards a greater place, one that could possibly bring me closer to being of true service in a more loving and powerful way. “What if I just let go of the way I saw things and let the vision guide me rather than I guide it. What if, I had a little faith in God, in something bigger than myself, rather than let my ego really think it had the answers, even though it so didn’t.”

And I now see that many people over the years truly stood behind me and helped me out in so many ways; I couldn’t even begin to list all the goodness that surrounded me. Yet, I stuck with THE PLAN and after a while, I found a way to push them away from me so I could go back to doing things alone! I was too thick headed to be humble and trust in a bigger plan than the one I set up so long ago! I didn’t see then that I needed others just as much as others needed me. I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t perfect, that I couldn’t handle it all by myself. What’s so funny as I am writing all of this is how crazy those thought patterns of mine were!  And how scary it can be to think that that internal fearful voice of mine could drive me so far off the edge until I got clear and became aware of all of this! And now, now I see as vivid as night turns into day, that no human being could have handled what I was trying to do? Not a one! But I really thought it was my responsibility to do it all. And in that distorted view, which I carried around with me like it was my cross to bear, I handled my career over all those years on my own. The funny thing is, I did have many moments of abundance over the years, even in all this internal havoc! While I regret none of what I experienced, as it has gotten me right here, I do regret one thing, that I never gave myself the opportunity to enjoy those magical moments in my own silence.  But that was then and this is now! There are so many more moments I now get to smile at day in and day out, in my own calm silence.

And with that, I say this…  I am quite tickled in my life right now.  I am finding complete balance day in and day out by staying focused on the next right action to take in my life. I am on a path that will lead somewhere, not sure where, and I am getting more comfortable in that space.  I have a vision that I believe is my true purpose and I have this blog, “365 Blogs To Finding Pinocchio A Home”, to be able to share all these thoughts I have, as well as the many songs I have created and will create, with you!

And so, I leave you will a song I wrote called, “Getting Out Of My Own Way”. It is our defects, our inner workings, that must be transformed so that new patterns and healthier ways can enter into our life.  As we change our energy, the world goes from dark to light!

Until next time… yet another day closer to finding Pinocchio A Home!