A True Love Story by Jennifer Vazquez

Life isn’t always kind but it always teaches us lessons we need to learn. The story I am about to share is unique and very powerful. You’ll see what I mean as my story unfolds…

I met Richard when I was 18 years old. It was during the first week of orientation at CW Post University. I remember it like it was yesterday. Mike M., who I’d spent 4 years with at Cardinal Spellman HS in The Bronx, was standing in front of Nassau Hall; one of three dorms assigned to first year students. I vividly remember the walk towards Mike because there was this tall, dark and handsome guy standing next to him dressed in football gear. I remember thinking, “Who is that guy? I need to meet him.”

As I walked toward Mike, I felt a sense of relief to see someone I knew. But I also felt a sense of nervous energy as I got closer to this mysterious guy standing next to him. Once Mike and I started talking, he introduced me to this guy. His name was Richard Hartmann. All I can say is that Rich’s soul immediately captured mine in that very moment. My heart was taken; that’s the best way to describe it. Rich didn’t talk much at all but it’s like I could see him fully through his hazel, green, bluish eyes. It’s like I knew him fully already, in some cosmic way, and I needed to be patient for him to remember me!

So, for the next weeks, I found myself being placed wherever Rich was. There was a gathering on The Great Lawn – where they were showing “What About Bob?”. I was with a few friends and suddenly saw Richard in the crowd. Without any hesitation, I told my friends I’d be back in a bit. And then, I walked right up to Richard and immediately struck up a conversation.

I was definitely outgoing and upfront and it threw Richard out of sorts. He was very shy at first but I just felt such an inner soul connection; like I needed to be around him, like I needed to get to know everything about him. I also felt like I needed to be kind and gentle to Richard. Even though Rich was this huge football guy; deep down he was a teddy bear.

After the movie ended on The Great Lawn, Richard said there was a party close by that he and his friends were going to. He asked if I wanted to come along. I said yes. As I warmed up to Richard – and as the night progressed – the conversation became more fluid. It wasn’t until early morning that Richard and I decided to say goodbye; for now. And that’s when our friendship truly started to lock in.

For months, Richard and I were inseparable. We became the very best of friends. I’d be finished with my classes and knock on his and Mike’s dorm room door. Yes, they were roommates and ended up becoming best friends for life. Then Richard and I would drive to 7 Eleven and grab a blueberry muffin for me and a donut for him with a large drink and just drive. Richard and I hardly slept during those months. We did take lots of naps. Those moments and memories are priceless. We got to learn everything about each other. The good and the bad. We had no secrets. And we accepted each other as is.

While Richard and I were growing our friendship, he was seeing his High School sweetheart, who was a senior at Christ The King in Astoria. I was very clear that I wouldn’t interfere in their relationship. Yes, I felt a huge soul connection to Richard but I was not going to be a part of any breakup on my part. So I just let go and let God guide my path. A few months later, Richard and his high school sweetheart separated naturally, due to the distance and life changes. Richard said it was a mutual separation and it was for the best for them both.

I remember not too long after their separation – Richard and I were still just friends – and we were taking a nap in my dorm room. I rolled over and something inside me had the courage to kiss Richard. As my lips touched his, he reciprocated and WOW! All I can say is that was the most magical moment of my life. I felt so safe with Richard. He just felt like HOME to me.

After our first kiss, Richard and I were a couple. He gave me his chain to wear immediately afterwards. I felt so much love in my heart for him that it almost hurt. Richard was the most thoughtful, loving, and loyal man I have ever met. He would go above and beyond to show how much he loved me. He gave me beautiful roses for our first Valentine’s Day, cooked me breakfast with tea and a little milk and sugar, the way Rich liked his tea, the morning after we both chose to take our relationship a step further. He wrote me such beautiful love letters and sent me cards all the time to remind me how much our relationship and friendship meant to him.

On our one-year anniversary, Rich booked a night at Mohawk Mountain House in Upstate NY. Right before dinner, he surprised me with the most beautiful diamonds earrings. We woke the next morning to a huge snow storm. The scenery was so beautiful and serene. I had to capture its natural essence. It’s still one of my favorite photos.

We took many road trips – two in particular that I have the fondest memories of were one to Maine and the other to Niagara Falls. We went whale watching in Maine, which was pretty amazing. It would have been more so if I didn’t get sea sick. Richard was so accommodating. He went around the boat asking if anyone had Dramamine. I didn’t know I even got sea sick until that trip! And the scenery in Maine was just beautiful, especially their light houses. Richard took a huge liking to them. I surprised him with a wooden lighthouse plaque that I bought him while we were there and wrote something personal on the back.

As for our Niagara Falls trip, all I can say is WOW! Once again, I had to capture its beauty and snapped a shot while we were on the Maid of the Mist. It’s definitely the second favorite of all my adventure photos with Richard.

Oh, and there was a fun little day trip we took to go pumpkin picking for the first time. The sign said that if you could successfully carry out as many pumpkins as you could fit in your hands – without dropping them – you would only have to pay for ONE! Richard loved the challenge. He carried four out! I, on the other hand, just picked one.

Richard loved me as much as I loved him. We were true soulmates, best friends and lovers. It was like the moment my eyes met Richard’s I knew I’d met the man I was going to marry. And if life was perfect, that would have happened. But life has twists and turns that don’t make any sense – until one day, they kinda do.

Here’s where Richard and my love story unfolds unconventionally. Richard and I were in a romantic relationship for 5 years. Yes, like every couple, there were ups and downs, but one thing was certain, our souls were always connected.

If something happened to Richard, deep down I felt it. Like the day I was on a family vacation in Florida and I woke from a dead sleep and immediately felt this need to call Richard. When I did, there was no answer. Then a little while later, Richard called me from the hospital. He had been in an accident but he was going to be ok. Things like this happened between the both of us over the past 25 years. We felt each other’s pain or what the other was going through – even if we weren’t near each other.

So, what happened to Richard and I? Richard wanted to continue down the path of being in a relationship with me and I felt that I needed to explore my life. I wish I knew then what I know now. Life doesn’t wait for you to ever be ready. You must take a leap of faith. Richard and I belonged together. But I chose to go after my dreams. I chose to not trust that I could do both, be with Rich and follow my dreams. I was so young and so unaware of all I clearly know now. After sharing what I was feeling with Richard, I broke something inside of him. I wish I could turn back time and have a second chance at being more aware of his feelings.

It took 7 years after that to realize that what Richard and I had was so very unique and special. I had been persuing a career as a singer, songwriter, musician and actor out in LA. Richard and I were having a hard time navigating our romantic lives – separately – because I still loved Richard and he still loved me. We were soulmates. We were best friends. We were each other’s person.

Deep down I knew Richard and I were supposed to end up together, but I needed time and my own experiences to make sure. Both gave me clarity that I had already met the man I was supposed to be with. But my ego and fear stopped me from making “us” happen. It’s hard to explain Richard and my relationship because although we “broke up” physically, my heart never left his. Year in and year out, Richard and I remained the best of friends. He filled my heart. His love, support and hugs – rare but magical – made me feel at home. Year in and year out, Richard and I communicated daily, even though we didn’t see each other in person. Richard and I had a bond I cannot explain; it was so calming.

In 2009, I returned back to NY from living in LA for 7 years. I had grown so much, experienced so much and had my share of dating. No one could live up to what Richard gave me internally. I kept choosing unavailable men, over and over again. I needed to stop running from my fear of intimacy and from my past childhood traumas. I needed to stop thinking my life would start after I did this or achieved that. I spent the next few years in NY getting clear around what my own issues were and what I needed and wanted. Richard continued to be a constant in my life through it all. I was finally able to see what I did to harm our relationship way back when.

I was in a twelve-step program called DA (Debtors Anonymous) for about a year at that point. I was on the 9th step and had to make an amends to those I had harmed. Rich was at the top of my list. After I had made the amends, Rich said, “We were both so young back then.” He went on to say he could have been less jealous and that we had so many good moments. As we kept talking, it became 100% clear to me that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Richard. I expressed that I didn’t want to date him. I wanted to marry him.

Richard at that point in his life was dealing with his own life pressures so he said he just couldn’t give me what I needed. I didn’t give up, though. Every few months I’d bring up the conversation but he’d just say he was dealing with life. Richard and I were in contact every single day for years on Facebook and the phone but he slowly distanced himself from his friends and family physically. That’s why I have many photos from my past, but very few from the present.

I wanted so much for Richard to see the new me, for us to try again and start a new life; create new memories. But Richard was dealing with a lot. It was very frustrating for me because deep down I knew Richard wanted to say, “Yes, let’s start a life together.” But I also know he didn’t want to burden me with his issues.

In time, I knew I needed to start my life over; but this time for real. I decided to move to Nashville in 2016, to continue working on my music career and give myself a shot at creating a home for myself. When Richard found out I was moving to Nashville, he was not happy but I told him there’s nothing I can do. I wanted to be with him but he had to have courage to want to be with me again. The hardest thing to swallow is that my heart was filled with Richard’s love, and I know mine was filled with his – but to a degree we were both so scared of being hurt or disappointing the other.

I had been in Nashville for about two years and Richard was in contact with me daily on Facebook. I’d talked to him on the phone a few weeks before. We’d had a really good conversation a few months back as well. He’d shared a lot of the issues he was facing, especially that of his Mom’s returned cancer. The doctors said there was nothing else to do. Richard’s relationship with his mom is very similar to the one my mom and I have, it’s a very, very close one. They had such a special bond.

Deep down, I still wanted to be with Richard but I stopped bringing up the conversation and focused on being supportive. I told him when he needed me, for anything, I would be on a plane back to NY, no questions asked. He just needed to say the word. It became very clear – even more than before – that Richard and I would somehow find our way together again, when the timing was right. I just needed to be patient. And I was…

When Richard passed, it was unexpected. It was around 9:30am on Oct 9, 2018 when I got the call from his oldest friend Mike R. – different from his best friend Mike M. that I mentioned in the very beginning. Mike R. had reached out to me late the night before via Facebook saying he needed to talk. I figured it could wait so I woke that next morning and went to take a walk in Shelby Park in East Nashville. Something made me want to text Rich, so I did. I texted him a video of me singing “You Are My Sunshine” with a message saying, “I was just thinking about you and I hope this makes you smile.” Richard would always say that hearing my voice always soothed him. After that, I texted Mike R. and said I could talk if he could. He called me right away and said, “I have some bad news.” As soon as he said that – in my mind – I thought Rich’s mom, Lucille, had passed.

But that is not what came out of his mouth. He said Richard died. I couldn’t quite register those two words together. It came out of nowhere. What do you mean Richard died? That doesn’t make any sense. I was in shock. He said Lucille hadn’t heard from him in two days and so she went to his apartment and found him passed away. It may have been a heart attack or a mixture of issues that built up and caused his sudden death. I’m still not 100% sure of Rich’s actual cause of death which has made the closure part of my journey very hard to do on my own.

(Richard’s second cousin, Ron Ferdinand drew this the day after Richard passed. He wrote, “Richard left us WAY too soon the other day. Although it’s a little breaker down here, Heaven is a MUCH brighter place now.”)

After getting off the phone with Mike, I drove back home, went into my bedroom, stood still and started crying. My heart never hurt so much. I couldn’t stop crying. My body couldn’t stop feeling so confused and in shock. This didn’t make sense. I picked up the phone and called my Mom in NY. I heard the words “Richard died” come out of my mouth – it didn’t seem real. She just stayed on the phone as I cried and I told her I was booking a flight home for tomorrow for the services and to be with Rich’s mom and family.

I’m not sure what to say except grief is a monster. The journey through grief is dark, heavy, foggy, painful, stagnant, confusing, numbing and unmanageable. And even as I say, “the journey through grief”, grief doesn’t end. I’ve just learned how to cope with grief so I can continue living – because that’s what Rich wants.

I asked Lisa, Rich’s sister, if she needed any help in any way. She asked if I could sing at Rich’s funeral. Lucille wanted me to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings”. That was Rich’s song to his mom. I said yes. She also asked for me to sing another song of my choice. I chose to sing a song I wrote for Richard years before called, “I Shoulda Told You”.

For the next few weeks I stayed in NY and helped Lucille declutter her home and help her through all of this grief – emotionally. Lisa had asked me if I’d be willing to do this; she knew I was starting up a part-time business around decluttering and coaching people. Lucille had had so much piling up in her living spaces since her being sick again. She had been unable to manage organizing it all on her own. And there was also so much of Richard’s belongings in some of the closets that he had never gone through from way back.

It took me a few months before my grief fully set in. I was focused on being there for Richard’s family, decluttering Lucille’s home and really allowing her to process it all. Then, once getting back to Nashville – just as I started to grieve on my own – I had to drive back to NY again. Richard’s uncle passed away. I stayed for about another week.

When the grief did hit fully, I was a mess. My focus was on working to pay my bills. I lost all passion for my music, for life, for anything that could bring me joy. I couldn’t sing without crying. I couldn’t listen to music without it tearing a hole in my heart. Too much pain.

After a few months, I found my way into two different grief groups and started grief counseling as well. Alive Hospice is where I found the services. They were truly a gift. I found one of my closest friends in one of the grief groups – as well as learned how to manage my grief. I started to find a new sense of hope. It was there that I was able to get tools to help me to create a new soul connection / relationship with Richard.

It is now 5 years as of October 8, 2023 that life – as I know it – changed. Richard’s passing broke my heart into countless pieces. But as I have continued to do my best to put some of those pieces back together, what I’m finding are some new pieces of my heart that were buried deep down that I am starting to bring to the surface.

Richard and my relationship has been recreated in a beautiful way. It’s a spirit and human one – with our two souls aligned. I feel Richard with me daily and sometimes his touch; in dreams and visitations.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to have had Richard be my first – in so many ways. I got to experience true love with Richard – a love I will cherish forever and ever.

I’ve also gotten to reconnect with his family and friends these past years. I spent quality time with Lucille, sharing stories with her for those next two years in person and over the phone. I got to send her Mother’s Day flowers from Richard and I. Gifting her with little things here and there to keep Rich’s love alive in her. But then, Lucille passed away. She fought a very long fight. I could only attend the funeral online due to us being in the middle of the Pandemic. I felt sad and numb at the same time.

(Celebrating Richard’s spirit with family and friends at his favorite pub in Astoria, NY.)

(Lucille and I at Rich’s cousin’s wedding. Rich was there in spirit. I feel so blessed to have gone and spent time with his family.)

(After Lucille passed away, Ron drew this one.)

My life, as I knew it, will never be the same. There will always be an empty space in my heart. But now I see that empty space as a place holder of all the memories and deep love I got to experience with Richard. I smile when I think of Richard every day. I also cry unexpectedly. It’s all part of the process of losing someone you truly loved.

What did Richard give me once I was ready to receive it? Richard gave me a whole new start to my life. He gave me the gift of second chances at life. He reminds me every day that nothing is guaranteed and I always have a choice. He’s given me courage to live every day of my life with kindness, compassion, gratitude, tolerance and love. He’s given me hope again. He’s given my heart an open door to truly love again.

What does my life look like today? I decided to go full time as a business owner during the Pandemic as a declutterer, organizer and mindset coach. My main goal is to get people out of overwhelm and into action by decluttering and organizing their minds and homes. It fits who I naturally am. And as for music, it has gently started to find its way back into my life. I’ve been able to start writing again and even recorded a song that Rich’s spirit inspired me to write. It’s called, “You Made Me See”. The song is all about the process of going from the beginning stages of grief all the way through seeing there’s something to be taken away from Richard’s passing. I decided to release a music video for it on YouTube. I wanted to share it with others experiencing this deep loss as well and let them know there is hope after loss – as you keep walking forward and honoring the grief.

I think the biggest thing I’ve learned from losing Richard physically is that life doesn’t wait for when you think you’re ready. And the biggest gift I’ve received is really getting that the real magic in life come from making mistakes. So, I’m starting not to worry so much about making them anymore. It’s a baby step process for sure. But now I remind myself that when I feel something deep inside, I know I owe it to myself to act on that feeling. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, great.

The other major thing I’ve learned is that everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. No one should tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. When you’re in grief, you are in it. There’s very little you can do to control it.

And I will say that my acceptance of my own grief process has been crucial to being able to move through it naturally, without judging myself. And having a grief therapist, that I felt comfortable with and trusted, also gave me the willingness to be open to her suggestions around how to manage my grief when it rushed in. Having a grief therapist also reminded me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. There was nothing at all wrong with me. I was dealing with my loss. I was going through the process. That’s it. And I will continue to go through the process and I will continue to have Richard be present in my life spiritually. And I am now accepting and grateful for every part of it.